Navigating the Inner Split: How to Be Kind to Yourself as a Mum
Today, in 5 minutes or less, you will learn
Embracing Imperfection: Discover the importance of accepting and embracing your imperfections as a mother, alleviating feelings of guilt and shame.
Understanding the Inner Split: Gain insights into the 'inner split' phenomenon experienced by mothers and how recognising this can lead to better self-understanding and compassion.
Practical Self-Kindness Strategies and Tools: Learn actionable tips and exercises to incorporate self-kindness into your daily routine, making motherhood a more manageable and joyful experience.
When we begin to understand matrescence, we can then look at how we use that knowledge to be kind to ourselves. There are many reasons why motherhood is hard, but often it’s not actually our fault. It's a symptom of the system we find ourselves in. Women have been set up to fail in our modern, Western society right from the word go. We were never meant to be alone; we were meant to learn from a circle of experienced women. We were meant to be guided, hearing the whispers of wisdom from our elders about the monumental changes to come.
When we become mothers, we split into two - mother and who we once were. This ‘inner split,’ a term coined by Amy Taylor-Kabbaz, is a phenomenon that all women experience. Without understanding this split, it can manifest as anger, frustration, overwhelm, shame, and perfectionism. If you are experiencing any of these emotions, please know you are not alone. I, too, have felt this way, and I am here to tell you it can get better. We can begin to change the stories in our heads about being a mother if we understand that we are experiencing something big.
As I explained in my previous blog post, "Matrescence: The Journey to Motherhood," just as adolescence is the transitional period from child to adult, affecting all aspects of our life, so too is matrescence - the transition from woman to mother, impacting every facet of our existence.
I didn’t understand this when I became a mother. I had expectations of the kind of mother I would be. I honestly thought I would be as calm and fun as Mary Poppins! But in reality, I felt more like Cruella De Vil at times.
I was torn between loving my kids and wanting to be a good mom, and also yearning for some semblance of my old life back. Guilt would then creep in for feeling that way, and I felt too ashamed to talk to anyone about it, fearing judgment. This became a vicious cycle, and eventually, I broke down. After finding myself in a mother and baby unit, I began to emerge from the fog and grew curious about the support available. I discovered Amy Taylor-Kabbaz, which marked the start of my journey of discovery and learning.
The first step was learning to be kind to myself. I had to stop being so hard on myself for feeling conflicted about motherhood and not living up to the idealised mother I thought I was supposed to be.
Practical Tips for Self-Kindness
Set Realistic Expectations: Remember that being a mother is a journey, and it’s okay to have ups and downs. Set realistic expectations for yourself. You don’t have to be perfect; just being present and loving is more than enough.
Celebrate Small Wins: Every day is filled with small victories. Whether it's managing a tantrum with patience or simply getting through the day, acknowledge these accomplishments and give yourself credit.
Allow Time for Self-Care: Self-care isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity. Find moments in your day to take care of yourself, whether it’s through a hot bath, reading a book, or just a quiet cup of tea.
Incorporate positive affirmations and exercises into your daily routine to foster self-kindness:
Affirmation: "I am doing my best, and my best is enough.”
Exercise: Write down three things you did well each day before you go to bed. This will help you focus on your achievements rather than your perceived shortcomings.
I remember one particularly rough day when everything seemed to go wrong. My toddler was having a meltdown, the house was a mess, and I felt utterly drained. Instead of berating myself, I decided to take a five-minute break. I practiced deep breathing, told myself I was doing my best, and reminded myself that it was okay not to have everything under control. Those five minutes made a world of difference, allowing me to return to the chaos with a calmer mindset.
I would love to hear your stories and tips on being kind to yourself as a mother. What have you found helpful on your journey? Share your experiences in the comments below or join the conversation on social media using the hashtag #KindMum.
By understanding and embracing our journey through matrescence, we can learn to be kinder to ourselves and, in turn, become better mothers.